Dearest Mr Aggro,
We’d like to begin by extending our sincerest thanks for the passionate commitment you have displayed for our organization. It’s abundantly clear that you love the game of football and find joy in seeing your son succeed. However, we have also noticed that you find great sorrow in the event of your sons loss, or an interception, or an official making a call that didn’t benefit you, or even a small change in the weather pattern over the field. We have become concerned that you do not merely cheer FOR your son, but you also find it appropriate to chastise him from the stands in front of other parents, classmates, cheerleaders and even within the earshot of his actual coaches. Not only that, but you have now started exuberant celebrations in the event of an opposing team’s penalty, error, or even injury. At the last game, when you shouted at the other team’s running back after he was tackled “How you like that, boy?”, it became clear that this letter was past due. We now feel that it’s time you saw what you seem blind to. You sir, are a tool. These are 13 year old boys learning to play a team sport that cultivates responsibility, teamwork, resilience, and good old fashioned hard work. You seem to be under the illusion that these are child soldiers carrying out a violent righteous genocide against the viscious infidel dogs of the earth. We are in no way suggesting that there is anything wrong with a little healthy competition, but foaming at the mouth after a penalty flag, screaming at the officials and taunting children from the side of the field is the playground of a psychopath, who, far from being a supportive, involved parent, is actually no more than a depressing display of selfishness and insecurity. Your child’s success is not your salvation. Neither is his loss your damnation. In our experience, parents like yourself aren’t so much in love with football as much as you are lost in this world and have failed to continue pursuing some meaning in your own life. If you need any suggestions on how to turn all this misdirected energy into something more positive, productive and less parasitically attached to your son, perhaps you can try building model trains or take up calligraphy. Maybe build a shed out back or volunteer to dig a ditch somewhere…. ANYTHING! Just stop what you’re doing. You’re embarrassing yourself and ruining the experience for everyone else who is doing the same thing you are – just silently in their heads.